>> andrea: we heard about the bogus war on women in election cycle. a real war on women in middle east. a girl was shot by n the head by the taliban in her home country and was rushed to the hospital in brit tape. air lifted and she survived. today was her first day back at school. she had the could remember to speak out against violence against women due to radical islamic policy. a real hero. happy she is back in school. >> dana: i'm switching gears. toilet paper. very important thing to have. everywhere you go. have it at the office. windsor, missouri. the public employees, the male public employees told they had to bring their open toilet paper to work because of budgetary concerns. when the aldermen heard about this, they thought it was a joke. it's true because they said the men were like, they were use toog much toilet paper. that is really not usually the

stereotype. i got this fresh from the bat bathroom >> greg: that is how you roll. >> andrea: what if you forget? a huge problem in missouri. this is not because of the sequester either. >> eric: these are the picks. louisville, ohio, indiana, florida gators. mine are next to him. i have three of the same. georgetown in the time four. >> dana: the mascot theory is a much better, foolproof way to get to final four.

do you watch basketball? that is it for us on "the five." welcome to "red eye." it is like "dancing with the stars" if by stars you mean transgender sex workers. andy, what is coming up on tonight's show? >> did a massachusetts middle school principal can sell his school's honor night so the kids who didn't qualify wouldn't feel bad? yes, he did. i didn't need to phrase that as a question. and the israeli embassy welcomes president obama with a video set to the theme of "the golden girls." our allstar panel will try to figure out what this means. and a new study shows americans are pretty much okay with using nukes if it increases our chances of

stoping a threat. the shocking story that will awe you. greg? >> it would awe me? >> yes, a-w-e. >> it is like a shock and awe play. >> yes. >> it didn't work, did it? >> no. >> i won't do it again tomorrow. >> you probably will. >> actually, i might. i might beat it into the ground. >> please do like you have done so many times with other things. >> that's my job. >> go away. >> let's welcome our guest. first she gets men off and then laughs at it in a hot tub full of blood. i am here with criminal defense attorney remi spencer. and he is so bright the sun is instructed not to look directly at him. it is john bolton, former u.s. ambassador. and he is the president of "red eye" and he will do the state of" red eye" in mere moments. in topeka he is is considered a spatoon, bill schulz.

and he is more adorable than a lemur made of dead kittens, bill hemmer. >> a block, the lede. that's the first story. >> and now the least favorite part of my day. >> oh jeez. before we start the show, last year ambassador john bolton was named president of "red eye." >> see if that stirs them up a little bit. >> are you so devious. that's why you should be president of the united states or at least president of "red eye." you are president of "red eye." >> president of "red eye," john bolton. >> as is tradition, the

president of "red eye" will deliver a state of the show address. ambassador, you have the floor. >> mr. gutfeld, mr. schulz, mr. levey, distinguished guest and my loyal "red eye" viewers. a short time ago i was declared the president of "red eye." it is the single greatest thing to ever happen to this nightly train wreck. for the first time in six years, "red eye" has a clear vision of what it needs to be successful. me. i'm happy to report that "red eye --" red eye" host has stopped taking prescription pills before each show. i believe this course of action will help him finally to be able to correctly pronounce difficult words like man tie manti te'o, irreconcilable and the. "red eye" sidekick, bill schulz is as pointless as ever. i recommend that he be replaced with a muskrat or raccoon. what is important is that they don't bite the other guests.

"red eye" ambudsman's andy levy is faithful to whatever he does on this show. when he speaks i tend to tune him out. let's face it. not only am i the president of "red eye" i am a former ambassador and he is just some guy. and the state of adorable animal videos has never been stronger. while cats continue to dominate, dogs have made a tremendous showing in recent months. especially corgi's. i suspect that baby sloths will keep the cute factor at an all-time high. finally i would like to address concerns about what many refer as the leg chair. i assure you devoted viewer that the leg chair has never been legier. second, and i can't emphasize this enough, it is thought

called the leg chair. so please when referring to the leg chair, don't call it the leg chair thank you, and may god bless "red eye." >> that was an incredibly powerful state of the union ambassador. it was disturbing, delightful, delicious like your mustache. thoughts? >> wonderful. i am honored to be here. it is your first night accepting this prestigious honor as president of "red eye." and it is so well delivered. i would have thought you were reading off a tele prompter all your life. >> i was worried when i heard that president obama had taken my tele prompters to israel with him. but we made it okay. >> remi, were you moved? >> i was moved almost to tears. i thought it was a beautiful, beautiful statement. i actually attended the state of the union address two years ago and this rivaled the president's state of the union. the state of the show was

impressive. >> and she says that from the leg chair. oh sorry. >> did you not listen? >> bill, this will be the closest you ever get to greatness. >> i have a couple of quick points to make. one, raccoons have been known to carry rabies and i do not have rabies. i can't emphasize it. and i am glad remi used this opportunity to tell everyone she went to the state of the union. should only a's deserve praise? a principal cancelled the school honors night because it may upset kids who didn't make the grade. he wrote a letter to parents the ipswich middle school, go acne backs, and he says it can be devastating to a child who worked extremely hard in a difficult class who despite growth has not been able to maintain a high grade point average. so instead they will be celebrated as part of a year and school assembly.

many think it is stupid with a capital stupid. and the principal says he thew there would be some push back. >> we knew there would be some push back. that is for children. we believe and this is based on research to have them altogether and celebrate as a school. >> it is always what is best for children with these people. it is never what is best for greg gutfeld. it is usually diametrically opposed. now we have dogs pulling dogs. >> without the mexican music that wouldn't have been a great video. well done who ever put that thing together. i go to you. is there anyway to defend the principal decision here? is this why the united states

is falling behind florida? jay or luxenburg. and i used to live in luxenburg. >> that was a jab at you. was that a jab at remi? >> oh no, noment i was just sharing. guys, i have to tell you, you can take your honors rine bonnes and keep them. your honors ribbons and keep them. would you be honored that way? i think the incentive for all of us, when that is ripped out of your life, -- >> just hang out and sit at home and cry like i did most of my life. are we doomed? should we just hand the country over to them? >> when jim baker was ronald reagan's chief of staff getting ready for the famous trip to china had he ever been to a communist country. he said, yes, i have been to massachusetts. this is another example of it. this is ridiculous. >> how do you compete with that?

>> his head is getting big. >> remi, you hate children unless they committed a horrible crime. you are probably on the principal side, right? >> i told you not to tell anyone about the children thing. as my father would say, stupid nonsense. children need to learn about life. they need to learn it from an early age. this is not real life. if you succeed and work hard and do well, you will be rewarded. if you don't reach that certain level to get the honors, you are not going to be rewarded. it is not a dig at the other children. it is a lame attempt to be fair. they are really doing a disservice to the students. >> the story could not be less relevant to you, could it? >> that's why i love this story. you have missed one very big upside. no more bumper stickers.

no more isn't my kid great bumper sticker. >> my brother wasn't an honor student. and he wasn't the one who didn't wear a helmet. he bought the bumper stickers that said honk if you are horny and he put them all over our car. it was awesome. it was way better than the other kind. >> the worst thing you can be in our society is judgmental. judgmental now translates into being mean which in a way is insulting to kids and minorities and women which is assuming to perform well is somehow expecting too much. >> did this guy think the parents would be like, great idea. we will just make the entire blaiing field level. >> maybe they wanted one less to go to. i hear there are a lot of these events, but competition is a healthy thing. when did it become a four-letter word? >> competition has never been

a four-letter word, remi. count for goodness sakes. >> she is a lawyer. the son thing she counts is dollar bills. are they extending an olive branch by using dorothy, rose and branch? and blanch? they have posted an odd video on-line welcoming president obama to the country to the tune from "golden girls." the president had a strained relationship with netanyahu, but as we learned that is changing and their bond is actually 80s sitcom strong. >> the bonds between the united states and israel are unbreakable. and the commitment of the united states to the security of israel is iron clad. >> ♪ thank you for being a friend ♪ sthoat travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪ you're a pal ♪ thank you for being a friend ♪ >> obama's limo in israel broke down after the driver put the wrong fuel in the car. there it is. the car had to be towed away and the driver was killed. for more let's go live to "red eye" senior national correspondent. >> here i thought bill was the coke machine. ambassador. >> it is 15 cents a can, right? >> i want one of those things. i would probably lose a limb. do you think they could have

the same relationship as dorothy and rose? are they as close as the golden girls or is this for show? >> it is unbelievable to me that the israeli embassy in washington would put out a piece of propaganda like that. i'm sure they cleared it with the white house. does this saturday what you need politically, mr. president? and i'm glad they have sufficient budgetary sources they can waste their time on that stuff while we are can selling easter egg rolls. >> i don't know if they spent that much on that. that was about $40. >> jibjab will do it for $4.99. >> thank goodness nobody is sending me more jibjab crap. especially the ones you were sending me were disgusting. >> you get those? i thought you opened them? >> yes i opened them and then i threw up. wear some clothes. do you think it helped repair the strained relationship this. >> i think they have a long way to go.

i think they said how is chuck doing? you have a president who has chuck hague gel who is all over the news in israel and netanyahu who has publicly supported mitt romney. there is no better way of saying welcome to our country than i voted for the other guy. but the jerusalem post today reported that president obama was staying 50 hours and not two days, 50 hours. when was the last time we had to go back and question the relationship between the two leaders of the country like we are now? >> that's a good point. shouldn't they have used the theme from "boosom buddies"? or perhaps "the a team." or "portrait of eddie's father." >> how about "mission impossible." >> that would be morrell vent. >> or "i want to sex you up" by color me bad. it was a staple of early 90s

pop songs and it reflects the relationship perfectly. go, remi. >> i didn't believe this was real. when i click owed the link -- clicked on the link, i thought it was one of the crew members that put this together or a jibjab type of thing. it is so poorly done. you don't have to be an expert in political strategy or history or public relations to realize somebody threw it together. >> they brought the presidential limo seen over there and put diesel fuel in the car. did they do that because of the sequester? i think diesel sometimes is cheaper than regular unleaded. >> it is a metaphor for the obama administration. what they do is ignore fracking in the keystone pipeline. >> the metaphor is the car on the trailer being towed away. it is the ups i'm tent in the

region. >> let me ask you something. how much will they get done? >> they won't get much of anything done other than the symbolism. obama will tell netanyahu unpleasant things, but you won't hear a word of it. it will be pictures of them joking around and yucking it up. it will be in their political advantage to do it. >> speaking of something you said. isn't it like mom and dad putting on a good show for the kids, but secretly they are going to get divorced? >> i don't think it was a compliment to begin with. if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift is from me. and they would say, thank you for being a friend. subtext, bring me a present, obama. in conclusion evie is greedy and blamp -- and blanch was a

whore. >> you are saying that because you dated bea arthur in the 80s and there was a lot of strive. >> let it be. >> let it be indeed. she was quite the tumbler. she was into gym that is sticks. gymnastics. i loved bea arthur. but i wasn't crazy for maud. okay. bill will discuss his book, i do the news and do it nude. first, what is a don't feed me t-shirt? something bill would wear, and then he would die.

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there any other kind, is launching a line of don't feed me t-shirts for children who have food allergies. yes, concerned parents or cp's as i like to call them, check off boxes to alert caregivers and others about their kids' issues. kym whitly who spells her name with a y, and why shouldn't she, says it is for kids who can't communicate their needs, much like me. a doctor has micked feelings about -- mixed feelings about the garb because it could become like bill schulz's face, a bully magnet. >> rough show. >> at cat and dog elementary, meals are monitored closely. >> good boy. stay. good boy. >> i told you.

after gay marriage, this was next. birds feeding dogs. you said oh shut up, greg. it is not the end of the world. well, here you go. a ambassador, you are the only one who produced people. it is safety for the kid, but it is also telling the kid, this is who you are. >> it is ridiculous a parent would think of this. it is like you are too lazy to tell the kids' kindergarten teacher or nanny what the problems are. you get up in the morning and check the shirt and then send them off? >> i love the idea. think about all of the shirts you can do. when he tells you he wants this -- it would be like a memento tacked to your kids with everything. i have a theory and i want to go to hemer because you have like 16 brothers and sisters. >> i think this is parents with one kid does.

parents are having one and two kids and it allows them to be more overly attentive. >> helicopter parents. >> where multiple siblings, do you even remember having allergies? we had allergies and my parents didn't care. >> i believe i am allergic to penicillin in the giant, pink pills. but everything else i am cool with. who grew up with allergies? >> did you know anyone allergic to gluten by the way? >> my father sand i have to have sympathy for him. >> you are related. >> maybe you are allergic too. >> i have five brothers and sisters. if we were wearing that shirt at five years old they would beat the hell out of us. >> they call it a bully magnet. that's the name of my new metal band. remi, you have four siblings, correct? >> i am one of four, two sets of twins. there are four of us. >> and you killed one of them. >> that's right. and that got me into criminal

defense. i am one of two sets of twins. it had to be equal between my twin brother and my younger brother and sister. none of us had allergies. i think the shirt is nuts. the ambassador is right. when did the parents stop having to communicate their children's theedz to their caregiver. if it is that severe don't they sell bracelets? >> the bracelets aren't $10. >> how much is your child's life worth? >> good question. >> $5. >> you have to sidestep that peanut allergy. >> i don't think you should be labeling your children with the problems that they have. especially at a young age. >> your children had to go to school in a shirt that said please kill me. >> it made me fast and foxy. >> i was quite the sprinter. i would like to say that for the record that bill is allergic to penicillin.

call me, ladies. i am here. >> secondly, this shirt should be warn by every kid. you know why? kids are fat, really, really fat. not my daughters. moesha are a little fat. other two daughters, eat moesha's food. it is my daughter. >> kids are fat. meaning they are cool. >> i am not aware of that. >> what am i doing? do you have a comment on this show? e-mail us. and as i always ask, do you have a video of your animal doing something unique and wonderful and miss tau cal and inspirational this click submit a video and attention bill o'reilly. no i'm kidding. we might use it. still to come, the half time report from andy levy. he is our animal. perform tricks. >> tonight's half time report is sponsored by helicopters.

the aircraft without wings that move and spin above it. thanks, helicopters

we are back. let's find out if we got anything wrong so far. for that we go to andy levy. what did you think of the state of the show this. >> hi, greg. >> sorry.

didn't mean to disturb you. >> that's okay. ambassador, do you prefer ambassador boldon or owner bolden? >> who is that speaking? >> i will just sit and wait for you to answer may question. >> repeat the question. >> do you prefer ambassador bolden or president 3w08den? >> your excellence see would be fine. >> you said when i speak you tend to tune me out because i am just some guy. actually now that i am saying i realize i don't have a question. >> that's okay. i didn't have an answer. i was pleased to hear the state of the show is good. that was nice. >> it is nice. >> it is very nice. >> you are both nice. >> we are going to have words

after the show. >> middle school principal. you said with the cancellation the nerds will be celebrated as part of a year-end school assembly. you know what you are? >> a little bully. >> i am, yes i am. >> i almost went to deny it. >> why can't bullies be a protected class? >> shame on you. >> shame on me. >> you showed me. >> i did. >> you talked about how can selling honors night takes away the intensive for hard work. i suppose the incentive to get into a better college is still there though, right? >> i imagine so. >> i think that would be better than an honors night assembly. >> remi, it is not a dig at the kids who didn't make it and the whole thing is a lame attempt to be fair. i totally agree.

i'm sure not making the football team is devastating to a bunch of kids. so should they not play the games? >> isn't this is lifeless son? you work hard and you get a reward of the ceremony. if you didn't you will work harder the next time. >> the weird thing is this principal is a former coach. some people make the cut and others don't. >> that's maybe why he is former. >> i rest my case. >> i have nothing further. >> i watch "the good wife." >> did you really live in luxenburg? >> yes i did. >> why? >> in truthfulness, i was there as a college student. itit is a charming place. they may like you.

there is a chance. >> why is that? >> they are nice people. >> they are very into some guys. >> i don't think they would like me. >> why not? >> i don't know. >> hope springs. >> awful movie. i was going to make a joke, but no one will get that. >> i will not make it. >> read some "love craft." >> i practice it. >> israel's golden girls video. ambassador, you said it is unbelievable that the israeli embassy would put sout a piece of propaganda like this. isn't that what diplomacy is putting a good face on bad things? >> at least when you are doing

real diplomacy rather than bad hollywood you have something to say. i just thought it was embarrassing for the presidents involved let alone for the embassy. it was such a puff piece for obama, it is hard to imagine what they would get out of it. >> i get why it was a puff piece for obama, but it was embarrassing nonetheless. >> i agree. >> thank you. >> that is the nicest thing anyone has ever called me. >> i will try to do better. >> you said netanyahu supported romney and asked how far back in time we have to go before we could question the relationship between israel and america the way we can now. i was going say maybe jimmy carter, but i guess he did the whole israel- egypt peace treaty. >> we said it goes back to eisenhower. >> and when israel, britain and france invaded egypt to take back the sue wees -- suez

canal 1k3* eisenhower stopped them. big mistake. >> i hate to stop you but it is an airport. >> don't feed me shirt. your parents are too lazy to say kindergarten teacher or nanny i get that. aren't there situations like maybe a birthday party or something where it is easier for the parents throwing the party to not have to remember all of the various allergies that every kid seems to have these days? >> what kind of neighborhood did they live? >> chernobyl. >> a three-year-old kid may not be able to articulate the allergies he has. what are the parents for? >> don't the parents go to the parties when the kids are that young? don't the parents stay with the children? >> how would i know? >> you are asking about it. >> i am asking because i don't

know and i never will know. thank you so for reminding me of that every day. >> he will die alone. >> how does a three-year-old get a shellfish allergy? >> is this a joke? >> how does a three-year-old get a shellfish allergy? >> because i asked. >> remi you think the shirt is nuts. you would be the first person to help a parent sue if somebody gave little emma a peanut, wouldn't you? >> andy, how many times do i have to tell you i don't sue people for a living. my firm defends people, most often they are wrongfully accused of criminal charges. i think you put these t-shirts on little kids and the only thing you are going to do is make more therapists and psychiatrists rich. they will be traumatized living with the brand. it is like a scarlet letter for a three-year-old. >> let me break this down in a term you can understand. if the kid had a huge allergy

and it affected everybody -- actually have you ever -- >> i am bound by attorney-client privilege. >> that's a yes. can we get a don't serve me shoif -- shirt for bill to wear at bars ? that would be a great idea. >> you are an idiot. every bar i got to my shirt is off in five seconds. >> and it is the only part of you that is dry. i am done. >> you are done. >> all done. >> coming up, zach efron is dead -- set wednesday staring in a super bowl movie. two more parents support the use of nukes. i am very alone and would love to show you my collection of ears.

is a kiss cam a homophobic sham? it is a lens that falls on couples in the stands encouraged to kiss. and then as a punch line it frames two members of the opposing team on the bench. one jaguars season ticket holder, i think it is hockey, isn't amused. he wrote a letter of protest to the team owner noting, the message is clear jaguars are heterosexual and approve. the opponent is gay and the butt of a crude joke. why is this even an nfl game? better question, why can't this story lead off something i like to call the -- >> lightning rooooouuuunnnnndd. lightning round. >> remi, is the kiss cam harmless fun or a cruel and bigoted tradition that should be changed with extreme prejudice. >> with extreme prejudice and

it should be a big fat lawsuit. no, this is ridiculous. people are too sensitive. get over it. relax. >> here is my favorite. >> kiss yourself. kiss yourself. >> that is bizarre. what do you make of this 1234. >> i think we need an alien act for this show. >> remi is right. get a break -- take a break. >> what happens, what do you think? >> i think maybe he has a point. i think when it comes to the kiss cam, the owe -- the obamas handle it better than anyone. >> they put them on a kiss cam. >> they made them do it twice, right? >> they were hanging all over. >> then they did it again. it was a great moment.

>> you actually have a kiss cam in the box you live in over the under pass. under the overpass and ale you do is kiss your elbow. >> i have a way to get rid of the kiss cam. i am getting sick of it. my brother and i have gone to several mets games. >> your brother? >> what you have to do is tackle the kiss cam with some of your grossing into submission. we wait for the camera to come on us and then we go at it with a little sign that says we're brothers with an exclamation point. i'm sure that kiss cam is done for ally eternity. i hate pda. >> except me and albert. >> i hate male female, male to male and female to female. people kissing their dogs in the street grosses me out. >> especially in this city. come up and have a dog lick your face? why? they say a dog is cleaner than

a human. no. >> a human who isn't a big butt. more americans support the nukes than originally thought. said a president at dartmouth when people consider the saw scenarios, they end up supporting and preferring actions that initially seem hard to imagine. that's how he described last weekend ambassador, the researchers seem surprised. are you surprised? >> i am delighted at this finding. this is tangible proof that my administration is having an affect. >> it will be in the next state of the show address. >> as president of "red eye." you are in the top 50 most powerful presidents in the erld erld -- in the world. >> next month we will move to join the united nations. >> exactly. >> is this a result of spending your last 10 years at war?

>> oh be specific. >> i don't know. when it comes down to you or me, it will be you. >> would you argue your criminal friends should have nukes? >> my criminal friends? i think you mean my clients who are charged with crimes. i think some of them, i think it is sad to say that some criminals already do do. they have very powerful weapons at their disposal. that's all i have to say about that. >> bill, i would like to nuke your face. >> you are the little boy to my fat man. i don't even know what that means. learn your kids -- learn your history, kids. it is a reference to something that happened in the 40s. i don't care what americans think about nukes. the problem is, if you don't

have a nuke, you are dead. what happened with qaddafi? gone. what is going on with majority korea. they can dance around with rodman and we keep him at bay because they have a nuke. it makes me sad. >> we are teaching them to get nukes. >> that's amazing. that really is. >> i was watching ambassadors in space and saying that is coming out of that thing. >> i am delighted and offended. >> we have to take a break. remember to buy "the joy of hate." you can get it at any bookstore or order it on amazon.com. don't try it on a tree, remi. for an autographed copy comek out z gutfeld.com.

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should women propose marriage? that's a great question. students at the university of california say clerg. that's weird, but they also said no. 68% of men and 66% of women said they would definitely,

quote, definitely want the man to propose. not a single person surveyed said they would definitely want the woman to propose. what does that say? >> as one of two women on this panel tonight what does a guy say if that happens? >> what would you say? >> what would you say. it is so unnatural to you to hear that and it would freak you out. >> it would freak out people in california. joy you are one of the town -- >> are you one of the town's finest bachelors. why surrender? make them want you even more. remi, what does it say about feminism that said women can have anything? doesn't it say feminism never existed and that it was a total failure? >> i can speak for myself. i don't consider myself a feminist, but i consider myself liberated.

>> i do believe in old-fashioned -- i am an old-fashioned kind of girl. >> chivalry lives. >> i want my man to be a man. i want him to ask me. in this day and age i would expect that he and i would have conversations about it before he got down on his knee, but i would want him to ask my parents for their blessing, and then i would want him to ask me. i don't want to do the asking. >> would he have to have a residence? a roof over his head, if you will. >> i am getting older and my things -- >> >> would you mind if the husband likes to sleep at the foot of the bed in a fee tale position? >> president, is it comforting

to know that college students aren't as stupid a as first thought? >> i don't see a problem with ing a woman asking a man out. maybe if that happened the marriages would never last longer. >> who buys the ring then? a man doesn't think about it, but a woman grows up thinking about her engagement ring and the proposals. >> we are obviously out clashed. we needed to do more thinking. >> you could preface every segment with that. did has not stopped us for 1500 shows of not having an iota of knowledge. he proposed the boxcar louie. >> i thought he had two legs and then i divorced him on the basis of fraud. >> that's cruel. >> you know what, i'm sorry. that was a very deceptive

wooden leg and it was high during the proposal. thought you had two legs, woody. you had one. >> by the way, people don't though this yet and haven't announced it, but bill will be the star of the new homeless bachelor. try to set him up in p kitchens. >> i have gone from boxcar willy to a lucky bag lady. >> maybe you will bag a lady there. >> or someone that looks like a lady. >> we will close things out from andy levy. fox news.com/red eye.